Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Inside Out

Hello Blog world! I am finally updated after unplugging for a week at the beach! It was a great time to get away and just relax. The best part: there was no internet! Which meant I couldn't really work. It was glorious! We got back and launched straight into The Darling Wedding Workshop which I will be posting more about soon! It was exhausting and so hot, but totally worth it!

I used to have a personal blog, but between the kiddos, life, work, and maybe just sheer laziness, I stopped blogging. Which means that every now and again the business blog gets personal. Today is another one - so you have been warned!

Sam and I celebrated our 9th anniversary on the first of July. Wahoo! Here we are so young and so oblivious:

Anyways - we decided to keep it low key this year. We are planning a big trip next year, so we thought a family celebration would be fun. Tuesday is $5 movies in Cary, so we decided to get some Chick-Fil-A and go take the kiddos to see Inside Out.

A little side note here- I screen most things the kiddos watch mostly because Ada is really sensitive to what she sees. When she was a baby - about 12 months old, we were watching Super Why and there was a show about Baby Joy (I think??) crying and as Ada watched, she too had tears rolling down her cheek. As he learned how to cheer up his sister, she smiled, clapped, and breathed a big sigh of relief. She is an emotional kid and empathetic to the core. I read some reviews on it and it seemed fine. 

Ada was so excited to go to the movies. It is normally a treat and it was "super dark" so she felt like a big kid. The movie is super cute and it has a great message. But it was emotional. It had some pretty sad moments in it and at times Ada was about to lose it. Sam noticed it first and grabbed her hand, and then I held her hand. She made it through the movie, but just lost it in the car. I mean big sobbing tears. She was pretty tired, but her heart just could not handle all the emotions of the movie.

We tucked her in and talked a little about it, but told her we would talk more in the morning. She was too tired to have any kind of productive conversation. The next day she woke up and was still a little somber, but inquisitive. We talked about the movie, the sad parts, and she asked lots of questions - "Why do people watch sad movies?" "Why did Sadness turn all her memories blue" "Why did anger give her that bad idea?" We talked about it all and it seemed to put her at ease. She decided she was too little for that movie and maybe when she was six she could watch it again. 

Well Tuesday came around (a week later) and while we were eating dinner, a whole new slew of questions came. The neat thing was that it was something she had been thinking on for a while. She asked very good questions about memories and why we forget things (like Bing Bong fading), imaginary friends, and how emotions can control our actions. 

We are sitting there, eating, and she just nonchalantly says - "I think fear controls a lot of my actions." I just looked at her, and I could not believe this came out of a five year old. I asked her to elaborate why she thinks that.

"Well, I am afraid of Liam messing up my pictures, or Henry ruining the tower I just built. Have you seen Liam with paper? He just balls it up! He takes it and crinkles it!" 

Valid fears of a five year old. We talked about not letting fear control us. We talked about how hard and scary it is to make new friends, but she does every where she goes. Or how hard it is to tell the truth, or do the right thing. So even though she is afraid of someone messing up her stuff, she really has the power to let joy, or forgiveness, or grace, or love control her. 

I asked her what controls Daddy. "Joy! He loves to make us laugh - and it makes him laugh." 

What controls Mommy? "I don't know. Stress? Like that time you forgot all the cards with the names and Daddy had to get them to you and he said you were really stressed. You stress about making everything perfect for the bride because they want it beautiful. You have an important job to help the brides. But that is why I don't want to be a wedding planner - it is too stressed."

I just didn't even know what to say. She is right. Stress does control a lot of my life. It has grown exponentially in the last year with The Bradford and Bushel and Peck. It is...overwhelming at times. I always think - do the kids notice? Henry doesn't - but my empathetic little girl does. She can read every emotion on my face and she is not afraid to call me out on it.

"Are you mad mommy?"
"Are you sad mommy?"
"Do you feel REALLY tired? You look REALLY tired."
"Are you just frustrated mommy?"
"Are you stressed?" 

This isn't a new realization. I know it has been a stressful year. This past Spring was a doozy. I seriously was about to lose it the end of June. I was just on the verge that last week. It was all I could do to keep it together and just finish out the season. I did. It was perfect and gorgeous.  

This job is a roller coaster. There are nights you don't sleep because something is tugging at your mind - did that florist get the extra table? Are the escort cards done? Did you get that other linen? I balance so.many.weddings that I am always fearful of forgetting something. It is hard to turn it off. I don't shut my computer off at the end of the day and just relax - there is an e-mail, a text, or a call I have to answer. The hard part about it all is that I really love what I do. I love my clients, I love the creative freedom. I feel charged and energized after meetings. I love my team. I love my colleagues. We have the best time at weddings. I love my job. Truly. 

Even though all these things are true-  what do I tell my baby girl who thinks that stress is the sole control of my life? I do love my job - but maybe it is time to scale it back. At the end of this year I (me personally - not including Courtney, Becca, or Bradford weddings) will have been in charge of over 28 weddings. I have assisted on an additional 20 more. That is a lot of weddings! And through the eyes of my 5 year old- it is too "stressed." So what do I do?

I have made a commitment to spend more time with my family and change my work schedule so I can be home most afternoons when Ada is out of school. I really had a hard conversation with the team about time versus money and how to assess what our time is really worth even if that means booking less clients. It is scary, but so necessary, not just for me, but for C and D, and for our clients! This is something that has been brewing for awhile, and we have made some tweaks, and feel pretty confident that this is the route we need to go. Being stretched so thin only makes my job harder, and I lose a part of the client experience that I love so much. No matter the amount of money I bring in, it just isn't worth it if I can't connect with my client, or feel like I gave 150% on that event. 

So I looked at Ada and told her. "You are probably right, but I am working on it."

"It's ok mommy! You are doing a really good job even with all the stressed."

And that my friends is all I needed to hear. 


Post a Comment